Ask Emily: Lesbian Boozers and Bores

Would you be willing to stop your partying ways to save your relationship from certain demise? This week Relationship Expert, Emily Wilcox, dishes on one lesbian's drinking problem and shares some tell- tale signs that you could be considered an alcoholic. And at 23-years-old, one young lady feels that bars come before babes and she isn't staying home on weekends for anyone, including her anti-social girlfriend that just wants to relax in bed and watch Angelina Jolie flicks.

Dear Emily,

I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost a year now. We are both in our mid-thirties. The problem is that I am concerned she may have a drinking problem. I am really scared to approach her, as she can get very defensive about stuff. I don't know what to think of it because it is not like she drinks every day. However, when she does drink-which is maybe 2 or 3 times a week-she doesn't stop until she usually passes out or even blacks out. Sometimes she won't remember the night before. I have asked her to drink in moderation, but I am to the point where I am ready to leave. I suppose my question is: Do you believe in ultimatums?

Thanks,

Desperate in Detroit

Dear Desperate,

Yes. I believe that you should ultimately get the hell out of this bad relationship if she doesn't change. How is that for an ultimatum?

Seriously. Your partner has a problem with alcohol. There are no two ways about it. Just because she does not pop open a beer can upon wakening every morning or doesn't drink seven days a week, does not mean she is in the clear. Alcoholics and problem drinkers have one thing in common: they can't handle their liquor and their lives become unmanageable as a result. If she is blacking out, drinking clearly does not agree with her and she needs to look at that. Alcohol is affecting her body and her mind in a very harsh way. Some folks just can't "handle" their liquor. This does not mean she has a serious, awful, life-altering issue. It just means she should either be able to know when to stop at two drinks or she cannot allow herself to consume alcohol any longer. She may be an alcoholic, but I am not in any position to render my opinion on that particular diagnosis.

Blackouts are extremely dangerous and can be deadly. I am not an expert in this field. However, I can tell you that if you are feeling unhappy in your relationship due to her substance abuse, then you have every right to give her an ultimatum. Be practical and be sure you will stick to your word once you have delivered the news. She will only seek to stop, limit her intake or go for help if she wants to. Because your relationship is only at the one-year mark, she may not feel like she needs to stop for you and you alone. There is really no family at stake, no home and no kids for her to wise up for.

Typically, the fear of losing a partner is not enough to get the user to stop the harmful behavior. So, if she chooses the booze over you, the last thing you should do is blame yourself or feel that you were not worth fighting for.

I really desperately hate labels. Sometimes if you have a drinking problem and you label yourself an alcoholic, the task at hand-quitting and gaining control back-seems so much greater that it really is. Some issues are just not that black and white.

You are your number-one priority. Period. Supporting her through this is great but when it starts affecting areas of your life, attitude, job, happiness and stress level, you have to know when to exit the relationship. And only you know in your heart when that time is right.

Perhaps sending me your letter was a good indicator. 

Dear Emily,

I am a 23-year-old student and I am incredibly annoyed at my girlfriend. She is such a fucking bore! While I just want to go out and have a good time on the weekends to de-stress, she would rather stay home and watch movies! Boring! I mean, c'mon, I like Angelina Jolie as much as the next girl, but enough is enough! She is such the party downer. She is super sweet, down to earth and very cute.

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