Ask Emily: The Lesbian with Mommy Issues

Childhood really messed us up! So how do we heal from our wounds and finally move on? Enough is enough! Don't we all just want to be our healthiest and happiest? This week Relationship Expert, Emily Wilcox, deals with one very strong subject matter-healing! One woman really wants to forgive her mother for persecuting her lesbian ways but cannot seem to move on. Also, for the first time in "Ask Emily" history, Emily reveals one of her darkest secrets.

Dear Emily,

I'm in my 40's now and in high school I was caught with a teacher. Remember me? I wrote to you before about my parents completely humiliating me, telling me it was unacceptable, not for a teacher to be with me, but for me to want to be with a woman! It was an awful experience. Then I became kind of homophobic.

Well, my mom came out to visit and I thought I had done a lot of work and was ready for a positive visit. However, I was not as prepared as I thought. I turned into a child again around her, but this time i was filled with uncontrollable anger and rage and ended up going to the bathroom and crying, really crying-the ugly mascara cry. Apparently, the pain is still very real. I am looking for ideas from you on how to finally heal this. I am ready to heal, forgive and move on. I love your practical advice.

Thanks so much!

Annie

Dear Annie,

Of course I remember you, you wrote me a question about how to deal with your own homophobia...as a lesbian. Ah yes, the homophobic lesbian. I remember it well. I received dozens of e-mails from some angry bitches about your issue. I'm only kidding. I don't even receive dozens of e-mails each year, let alone each week. Poor me. Moving on...

Don't worry about ever finishing this process and certainly do not beat yourself up for crying over spilled milk. Is that what happened? But seriously, just last month my friend was over for dinner and I made this ridiculously healthy salad and when I told her I was trying to cut down on my carb intake, her cell phone rang and she answered it, ignoring me all together. I broke down, wondering why my father spent so much time ignoring me as a child. So there I was, just as fucked as you are. The only difference is that I found a way to deal with all of it-it's called accepting reality and not trying to change it.

The super brilliant Byron Katie says, "When you fight with reality-you lose. But only always."

I am happy to tell you that you are in the process of healing and you will always be in the process of healing. Sometimes when we are ready to forgive, heal and move on, we get very impatient and we think that the in order to move on, it just takes a decision to do so. This is not true.

Also, the pain you felt from your mother's disapproval runs so deep that it could very well takes years to heal. And even then, you will never quite forget about it. In other words, healing is a continual process until we die. But do not let this discourage you. Use this as a way of letting yourself off the proverbial hook. Do not be hard on yourself for not being exactly where you are at in your healing process. It is a process and you have to learn to celebrate your little steps along the way.

Do not think you have gone backwards in your process. Too many times I see people that think they have done all this work and then they move backwards or "relapse." You should congratulate yourself on the hard work you have already done to heal this relationship with your mother. You deserve your credit. Crying hysterically in the bathroom does not mean that your work has relapsed. You didn't think that after all that healing, you would have no reaction to her when you saw her did you? Your reaction is simply in conclusion of the steps you have already taken.

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