Leaving

I have a Love.
I have been with my love ten years, although I love her and tell her, she thinks that I am just waiting for the one person that “rocks my world”, then I will leave.
Maybe I am just waiting for the world to rock me.
Guess what I mean is, all my life has been a waiting game, I had other loves, but they were waiting for me to do all sorts of things I did not understand.
My other Love’s have said, don’t be so stuffy, let’s party, let’s go out, lets get high, drunk, stoned, etc. forget the bills.
But, I just wanted a home and someone who would appreciate my humor, or lack of, but most of all someone who knew I just wanted to feel safe and be safe.
No yelling to the point of fearing for blows to rain on me, no fear that the rent check would bounce or the electric turned off or for her to lose her job, again.
No fear that I would come home just to find her bags packed, taking anything and everything of value and telling me it was all my fault the relationship failed.
Although I do have faults, lots and I must admit that over the years, I have accumulated a lot of baggage, which I stuff my faults in.
But sometime, just sometimes, I lose those bags, with all my faults in them and start over, I do tend to keep a few odds and ends, but hey who doesn’t have them attached somewhere?
When I met my Love, I was “surfin the net” and found a neat board on AOL, I was tempted to put my own “wanted” but decided instead to just swim around the edges a little. I had become a “LURKER”.
I found online space for blue collar women, butch, femm and my all-time favorite professional women.
So I read these wanted posts and found a curious thing, which by the way broke my heart a little. Here were all these professional women, some Doctors, Lawyers and Indian Chiefs who were spilling their guts out about how much they made, what they were worth, how much they had accumulated and were searching for the same, and oh yeah, if they fell in love, that was a bonus.
I was wondering, the same of what, wealth, status, things? Why were these women so concerned with all those things?
So, I wrote my own ad under professional women and tried to make light of the situation.
I misspelled, was very condescending, sarcastic and in my mind witty, but I spoke and wrote about my truth, as I saw it.
I received a huge response from women, most of course, tried correcting my syntax, or spelling, or just trying to improve me, since I had so much potential and was funny to boot. Yup. OK then.
Of course some these professional women were outraged, I couldn’t even spell they yelled, AOL wrote me a saying I had violated their TOS and had a strike.
Crap I countered, I would try and spell better, nope strike two came about because I was on the wrong board, or so AOL said, I belonged in the blue collar section. To stay on AOL I MUST write a letter of apology and leave, banned from that board.
The hair rose, hackles (if people have any) rose, temperature rose, but AOL being the only way I could communicate from the far reaches of Maine, I wrote the letter of apology.
This in my own nice and very sarcastic way, but with a little wit.
Not long after I received a very long e-mail from this woman in Florida, who was also lurking and had decided I was the best entertainment on the net, so she logged on just to read my stories.
As I read this long e-mail, I was so surprised, this woman, had caught on to every hidden joke and every sarcastic reply, everything.
But, she was a Lawyer, crap, here I was a Lab rat.
We could not even speak the same language, but she did understand the language of humor.
So we wrote back and forth I sent a photo, she did not, I asked for a photo, got no response. I musta been one ugly bitch, eh?
Then like a Tsunami , got a huge batch of e-mails and finally a photo hidden amongst the bull-shit.
I don’t know why, but maybe it was the long e-mails, the telephone calls, the quiet way that we laughed at the whole business of living. There was a small spark, not sex, just a quiet safe place.
I know she was sexual, sadly, I was not, that was a big piece of baggage, doncha think?
But, still we went on, the affection grew and she flew to Maine to visit.
A month after meeting, my year-long contract was up I did not want to go back to Texas, nothing for me there anyway.
She came back up to Maine to fetch me, I did not want or was ready to go. Talk about a big u-haul.
I have been here with her for ten years and every day she wonders if I found my “true love” and waits for me to leave, every day I wonder why she asks, since I am not looking.
Now I know why.
Is what we have a true bonding?
If I meet someone who “rocks my world” would I leave?
I know I am in a rut, everything is still hers, I just occupy the space around her.
I make as much as she does, when I work, but then our home turns to shit when I am gone.
She tries to make me feel safe by having the same checking, savings, quick claim and all that other stuff I don’t worry about, because she does enough worrying for both. Living in anti-gay Florida she has tried to protect me.
Would I leave after ten years and being older but not wiser?
I would still like to live a little, not wait until I retire, wait for the bills to get smaller, wait to pay of the car, waiting for what?
Age to catch up, disease or disability, is then living just for the young?
I have not been dancing for ten years, not gone to the movies, not gone on a trip by myself, not even had a dream that was just my own, would I leave ?
You betcha, but not for love, for myself, because that is what I need to be true for.
I will wait no longer for the sun to shine, where I am not, for the melody of life to pass me by, leaving me in the dust of despair and want.

I don’t think I ever wanted the world to rock me, rather I would have liked to have rocked the world.

Hey girl.....i read ur email and i must say u left me so puzzled and so confused ....and im wondering what the hell is wrong with ur gf? You have been with her for 10 years...what is she insecure? why does she keep asking u questions like that? She should be really happy that she has someone like u....so tell me did u leave her or are u still with her now?

Hi there from England! must say rather a long lext and one which reads that you hav'nt found yourself yet, you talk about things that you have not done in your own life yet and this is having a knock-on effect with your relationship. Have you spoken to your girlfriend, a good honest conversation? I hope things work out for you both.

Answering, both replies. I will make this a short one, LOL.
Haven't left, don't want to either, at my age I reiterate that living is for the young, eh?
My Wife is the one confused about our relationship, she thinks I will leave when I "find some one who rock's my world"
Shame that she spends so much time worrying about something that will not happen. I just want to live NOW.
Just rambling, BTW, I didn't think anyone read these posts.
Hello England, from Florida.

Yes girl we read the posts but very few of us reply. I for one like to comment becuz thats why were all here so we can have a sounding board for anyone who wants to listen. Well i for one am glad u wrote and i hope i could give u some insight and maybe some kind words u can listen to. I think the whole situation with ur wife is that she reallys loves you from what u have said and that she is REALLY insecure. You just need to instill this in her every single day that she rocks ur world and then maybe one day she will believe it and wont say another word about it anymore. I also wish the best for u also......give us an update an let us know how things are going? Oh yeah and check out the poem anticipation in the forum section, under poems...i am so sure u will enjoy the poem when thinking of ur wife. ciao.

Beautiful. You seem to be right where you need to be rockin it just fine.

hey, Im confused your love is insecure and talks about leaving? hmmmmm I think that is very normal for a woman especially if you are the real man in your relationship [ sorry i have no idea about your background if your a lesbian butch or a dyke/stud ?].....anyway I do understand your feelings , I can relate with you because with my 7 years gf was sounds like your love , my ex gf is always like talking about some inhibitions that im going to leave her someday and guess what when I decided to wait for my immigration status just to move here in the United States and she went to another country Dubai, United Arab Emirates, she was the one who changed and messed up our communication, not me [women are acting too much insecure so if I were you dont worry about that. Like in my case and my ex gf were both dentist,in my old country, we put a dental practice together for 6 years,and were both hungry for our career development ,so we both decided to partways for awhile then I went to USA and she went to UAE.so our conflict of interest of our profession arised for our self interest, we lost our team......so I believe the status of our life is not the measurement of what we have , it is about our mentality, sometimes people have no peace and trust and you know what I learned now because IM the man always in my every relationship that I had plus the present relationship .My latest gf and I is 3 1/2 years been together when I was still in Manila,Eversince, she sounds like Im leaving .....she has no trust at all on me too, so what Im doing now , I just accept the consequence that we are ok right now, building up my career, and wisely I put aside the worries and right now my relationship with my long distance gf is almost 1yr and 5 mos.were apart , she nver put me on her facebook that were into relationship but it is okay what im doing now I just hook up to be friendly in any lesbian site but [knock on wood] I tried my best not to have an extra gf ....Im still giving my long distance gf a HOPE that we will exist ......so leaving them is not a good answer because they need us .....Our strong mind and being a true partner is the key for their fear because sometimes woman hormonal imbalance attacked them when they reached 35 years and because their biological clock is running , there is a lot of fear on their head...good luck and peace be with and your love ......................p.s[ normally our partner are insecure about the word] "Someone will give us ROCK OUR WORLD " that's normal especially if we have a long years of relationship, sometimes some people think we might be no more appetite with the same menu in the table" and if there is a new recipe/or menu that might going to rock our world suddenly in a matter of second we totally forget them" and also some women dont understand its not about them that rocking our world this is about "US" ..... its like having an identity as I am , or YOU by yourself only minus our girlfriend sometimes we want to breathe and do something else ..............anyway go in something without her knowledge just to LOOSE UP yourself to find YOU but dont leave her " >>>>>>>>>>>>>>my good example is Sandra Bullock husband and Tiger Woods do you think this men dont have enough sex? its just them, they want an extra one that is the reason just go in some one night stand club or girls but dont let wife or partner find you screwing up her hahahahahah" that's why sometime we want to Rock the World " and I feel It were in the same page

"Living in anti-gay Florida..." I feel ya..that's one part of FL that I truly hate..well, I just wanted to wish u good luck with that whole situation; I have been together with my g/f[that I would be calling my wife if we didnt live in FL..lol, but that's not the point ) for 8 years and it gets tough at times, I get frustrated and I even feel it's time for a new life, but thankfully that doesnt always happen, and what keeps me from actually doing it is that when the storm is gone and I clear my head I see that the love is there; I personally think that life gets, specially in this country, very monotonous so we do try to sometimes forget about all the worries and try to relax; try to take a little trip, it doesnt have to be an expensive trip, maybe down to the keys or to the park to BBQ and ride bikes, or whatever it is, but something that gets u off that same day after day routine. I personally dont like clubs and my g/f doesnt either, but if one of us did Im sure we'd find a way to go clubbing and have fun!, I dont like to go to the movies but she does, so we dont always go but every once in a while we make the time even if i dont want to, and we go...I guess all Im saying is, find the time and set aside just a little little[if u can) amount of money[if money is an issue) and have fun, cuz my friend LIFE IS RIGHT NOW; and so that u know, I wouldnt recommend this, but when times were very tough economically for us[we've been together since we were both 18 ), we'd[not always of course) leave a couple of not so important bills without paying and we'd go have fun cuz at the end, life passes by and I want to have fun. On another note, something that we are trying right now, and I've talked about a lot in the last few months is independence, there was a time when I wouldnt do anything without her and Im trying to break that off, and she understands, because honestly Im a very dependent person, always have, but at 26 Im staring to realize that independence is very important and even more in a long term relationship, I'm not gonna go on cuz y'all r going to get bored and I still dont have much to say on independence...hehe..but Im just saying is something that if you dont have right now u might want to start looking for..again good luck with all.