Maria52
Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 8
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Leaving
Posted Friday, November 6, 2009 at 11:50 AM
I have a Love.
I have been with my love ten years, although I love her and tell her, she thinks that I am just waiting for the one person that “rocks my world”, then I will leave.
Maybe I am just waiting for the world to rock me.
Guess what I mean is, all my life has been a waiting game, I had other loves, but they were waiting for me to do all sorts of things I did not understand.
My other Love’s have said, don’t be so stuffy, let’s party, let’s go out, lets get high, drunk, stoned, etc. forget the bills.
But, I just wanted a home and someone who would appreciate my humor, or lack of, but most of all someone who knew I just wanted to feel safe and be safe.
No yelling to the point of fearing for blows to rain on me, no fear that the rent check would bounce or the electric turned off or for her to lose her job, again.
No fear that I would come home just to find her bags packed, taking anything and everything of value and telling me it was all my fault the relationship failed.
Although I do have faults, lots and I must admit that over the years, I have accumulated a lot of baggage, which I stuff my faults in.
But sometime, just sometimes, I lose those bags, with all my faults in them and start over, I do tend to keep a few odds and ends, but hey who doesn’t have them attached somewhere?
When I met my Love, I was “surfin the net” and found a neat board on AOL, I was tempted to put my own “wanted” but decided instead to just swim around the edges a little. I had become a “LURKER”.
I found online space for blue collar women, butch, femm and my all-time favorite professional women.
So I read these wanted posts and found a curious thing, which by the way broke my heart a little. Here were all these professional women, some Doctors, Lawyers and Indian Chiefs who were spilling their guts out about how much they made, what they were worth, how much they had accumulated and were searching for the same, and oh yeah, if they fell in love, that was a bonus.
I was wondering, the same of what, wealth, status, things? Why were these women so concerned with all those things?
So, I wrote my own ad under professional women and tried to make light of the situation.
I misspelled, was very condescending, sarcastic and in my mind witty, but I spoke and wrote about my truth, as I saw it.
I received a huge response from women, most of course, tried correcting my syntax, or spelling, or just trying to improve me, since I had so much potential and was funny to boot. Yup. OK then.
Of course some these professional women were outraged, I couldn’t even spell they yelled, AOL wrote me a saying I had violated their TOS and had a strike.
Crap I countered, I would try and spell better, nope strike two came about because I was on the wrong board, or so AOL said, I belonged in the blue collar section. To stay on AOL I MUST write a letter of apology and leave, banned from that board.
The hair rose, hackles (if people have any) rose, temperature rose, but AOL being the only way I could communicate from the far reaches of Maine, I wrote the letter of apology.
This in my own nice and very sarcastic way, but with a little wit.
Not long after I received a very long e-mail from this woman in Florida, who was also lurking and had decided I was the best entertainment on the net, so she logged on just to read my stories.
As I read this long e-mail, I was so surprised, this woman, had caught on to every hidden joke and every sarcastic reply, everything.
But, she was a Lawyer, crap, here I was a Lab rat.
We could not even speak the same language, but she did understand the language of humor.
So we wrote back and forth I sent a photo, she did not, I asked for a photo, got no response. I musta been one ugly bitch, eh?
Then like a Tsunami , got a huge batch of e-mails and finally a photo hidden amongst the bull-shit.
I don’t know why, but maybe it was the long e-mails, the telephone calls, the quiet way that we laughed at the whole business of living. There was a small spark, not sex, just a quiet safe place.
I know she was sexual, sadly, I was not, that was a big piece of baggage, doncha think?
But, still we went on, the affection grew and she flew to Maine to visit.
A month after meeting, my year-long contract was up I did not want to go back to Texas, nothing for me there anyway.
She came back up to Maine to fetch me, I did not want or was ready to go. Talk about a big u-haul.
I have been here with her for ten years and every day she wonders if I found my “true love” and waits for me to leave, every day I wonder why she asks, since I am not looking.
Now I know why.
Is what we have a true bonding?
If I meet someone who “rocks my world” would I leave?
I know I am in a rut, everything is still hers, I just occupy the space around her.
I make as much as she does, when I work, but then our home turns to shit when I am gone.
She tries to make me feel safe by having the same checking, savings, quick claim and all that other stuff I don’t worry about, because she does enough worrying for both. Living in anti-gay Florida she has tried to protect me.
Would I leave after ten years and being older but not wiser?
I would still like to live a little, not wait until I retire, wait for the bills to get smaller, wait to pay of the car, waiting for what?
Age to catch up, disease or disability, is then living just for the young?
I have not been dancing for ten years, not gone to the movies, not gone on a trip by myself, not even had a dream that was just my own, would I leave ?
You betcha, but not for love, for myself, because that is what I need to be true for.
I will wait no longer for the sun to shine, where I am not, for the melody of life to pass me by, leaving me in the dust of despair and want. I don’t think I ever wanted the world to rock me, rather I would have liked to have rocked the world.
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ciao.