What should i do?

It has been close to 2 months since my GF broke up with me. Reason for the breakup was she could not accept herself as a lesbian. And she feels that becos of this, she has been venting her tantrums at me too frequently, and this is unfair to me. However, when i question her on a seperate occasion, she said that she does not have any more feelings for me. Next, when we communicated via email, she said it was bcos she cant accept herself as a lebsbian, as well as maybe no more feelings. But these 2 reasons contributed to the breakup. But, we were together for 4 years 4 months! and she is telling me that she cannot accept herself as a lesbian after all these years? Is this possible? I feel terribly upset over this, and I am still crying over my loss. I have never let her down in any way. And i seriously want her back. She also did say that she does not want to waste my time anymore. But all these while, i feel that i do not need her to accept herself as lesbian. we just need to be happy together, and not think so much. Cos the future is too far to plan. What we need to think about is just being happy....

During the 2 weeks after the breakup, i made many attempts to win her back. But i failed. and she texted me saying that I have tried hard enuf, and that I shld give up. As all that I have been doing will only make her forget those beautiful moments that we once shared. I feel forced to let go....

Recently, I have tried to contact her. She does reply my msgs. But the thing here is she is very hostile towards me. I tried to arrange to meet her to talk things out. But she said that nothing much to talk about if i was going to talk abt what happened.

I met her recently. First time since we broke up 2 months ago. She has lost weight. Also, i can see the heavy eye bags. Due to lack of sleep. I guess she has been either going out with friends (attempts to forget the pain), or she has been losing sleep like me. I felt really upset to see her in such a state, and I really want her back more now. I wish to have her back to love and care for her. But yet, I can sense this cold feeling from her. I wish to share her burden, and I am really confident of givng her eternal happiness. If she is willing to accept us.

I have even applied for Australia PR with her. Cos it has been her wish to go over to Australia to work. Plans were already in place, and we are so close to achieving it. We had so many plans on Australia. She apologised to me on Australia PR. Cos i applied bcos of her.

Friends whom i have spoken to, told me that something must have happened for things to take such a drastic change in her. She has changed into someone so diff from the person whom i used to know. I feel that we can work things out. But yet, I feel that she has given up. But i am still trying to win her back. What is exactly the problem here? Is this the end of us? Will appreciate if some advise can be given for my situation. I am terribly lost!

My sympathy is with you young lady. I am sure your at the point where there is absolutely nothing no one can say that you have yet to think of yourself. Im also sure that as dumb as it sounds your even more obsessed with winning her back then you were to just be with her a year ago.

Hopefully you learn to love yourself regardless of how much you love her and try to move on. If she comes back into your life when she realizes shes loosing you your probably going to have to ask yourself some even harder questions.

You know the truth. Hopefully you have friends to talk to that will listen. Love can be insanely painful and unfortunatly there is no medicine you can take.xxkg

KuriosGirl,
Thanks for your reply. I have spoken to many people. All are telling me things that I should move on. But i know that deep down, we both feel the same. We were perfect for each other. But bcos of gender issues, we were not able to be together. I guess its as painful for her as it is for me. It is something that I cant change, as well as something that she cant accept. But weird thing is if she is not able to accept herself being a lesbian, how did she end up being together with me for 4 years? I begin to wonder. but yet, i know that I will get no answer. Only she has the answers. And if she is true to herself that only a guy can bring her the happiness that she wants, I guess i am totally speechless, as there is nothing much i can do about it.

She has the freedom to make the decision. Just as much as i have the choice. I choose to be around for her. I know this sounds silly to many. But i just feel so right with her. I know that our relationship is something that we can never talk to others about openly. But yet, all these while, the love between us was all that really matters to me. It didnt bother to me how others talk abt their love. To me, our love was between the 2 of us, and no one else. Well, I guess no matter what I say, it is useless. Cos she is not going to give me a chance to talk to her. And right now, she is not receptive to anything from me. Or rather that is how i perceive it from our recent communication.

i wish to tell her that I want to take care of her for life, and that all she ever has to worry about is how to be happy. As for the rest, I will take care of all the worries. I want her. But i know that love takes 2 willing parties, and i can never force nor buy love.

I have tried asking her out many times. But each time, i get rejected. She always seem so busy. But when we were together, she hardly have any activities. Its totally weird... Well, I hope that she will agree to meet me one of these days. And i hope that she will really think things through. even though i think we are through. I just wish for a miracle.... Just as she can suddenly break up with me, I hope that we can also suddenly patch back. Yes, i must be dreaming.... But I really hope my dream come true....

I know how hard you are trying to avoid facing the pain of life without her, but you have to stop trying so hard to make her come back to you, cause you are only pushing her farther away. I know it's not what you want to hear...but it's true. I've been in your shoes before, as well as hers. You say that you can't understand how she can be in a relationship with you for 4yrs and still not accept herself as a lesbian....believe me it can happen. I was in a relationship with a woman for 3yrs and when she wanted to have a talk with her son about his sexuality, she started off by saying "(son)you know (my name) and i are gay" and i just yell out to her "I'm not gay" before i knew it, everyone laughed about it and she finished her talk with him...but the point is even though we were together for 3yrs i still couldn't accept myself as being "gay".

There's not anything you can do to help her face whatever it is she has to deal with, this is something she has to do alone....cause she is the only one that knows the fears that's hiding underneath it all. I have also been in the position that you're in right now. Let me tell you from experiance not to focus all of your energy on this one person, find other ways to fill-up your daily life....cause as long as you're only thinking of ways to win back the love of someone that has made it clear to you on more than two occasions that's not what she wants...you will only make her begin to have hatred towards you, for not respecting her wishes. As hard..and painful as it maybe to even think about a future without her being in it romantically, it's something you are going to have to accept and give her the space she asked for....who knows what the future will bring if you give her the time she needs.

The next time you txt her you should let her know that you are going to start respecting her wishes...and that's all. The way i look at life now is "were you're at now in your life is were you need to be...you're there for a reason...this is apart of your life that you have to face to make you a stronger person for something you might have to go through in the future, but you have to get over this obstacle first. We all have a role to play in life, maybe one of your roles was to show her love and happiness for only those 4yrs. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that you did bring her at least 4rs of joy and it was nothing you did to end the relationship...that she just needs to figure out why she can't accept herself for who she is, and that's something she needs to do alone.

Take it one day at a time.

jux4play,
thanks for your enlightenment. Today, I texted her, and it seems that she has yet to get over me. though the msgs seem so cold and harsh. but behind it is just her who is trying to fight me off with all her might. I do not know if she is confused. or she has simply decided to just move on. But i guess I shall be strong, and try to put all the focus back on myself, as well as to reflect on our relationship. I never expected her to accept herself as a lesbian. All i wanted from her was to be happy. Just be happy with me. She does not need to come out to her friends or anyone that she is a lesbian. And i have never forced her to accept herself as a lesbian either. Thats what i dun understand.

As hard as it may seems, I guess life is as such. I have to run this race until someone comes along, and is willing to run side by side with me. I know that my love for her runs deep, and that it might be a while before i stand up again. Right now, I shall allow myself to heal. I miss her and that is definite. Nothing beats my love for her. I know that she is frustrated over why she cant accept me. Cos i can feel these frustrations from her. Maybe I am wrong. But based on how well i know her, I know i cant be that far off. What more to say that during these 4 years, i really did give her the best i could, and i know that she feels them. Perhaps time is not right now. She may one day come to realise that gender is not that impt. What really matters is the companion. I will let her be alone, while she figures things out. Meanwhile, I will work on myself. And how to control my temper better. I have been flaring up quitw a lot on my parents since the breakup, and i feel bad abt it.

I understand exactly where you're coming from.....i really do, but this is something that she has to find out for herself...whatever it maybe. I know everything in you is telling you to try and woo her back....let her see what she will be missing if she lets you go....but remember one thing, she had you and still she was unfulfilled with the relationship. If it sounds like i'm being forceful, i don't mean to be....it's just that i've been through the same thing that you're going through rightnow awhile ago and i see you heading down that same wrong path that i took. You have to hold on to the person you were before you met her and if you became a better person while in the relationship...hold on to that person. You have said that you knows she still love you, and that maybe so...but there's something she's fighting inside that's more important to her right now, and she believes with all of her heart that she will never figure it out with you. You know that old saying "If you love something set it free" let her have this time to find out what's right for her, if the love you set free is honest and true....than maybe one day it'll come back to you(but you gotta let it go first).

If you need to talk anytime you can leave me a message if you want....but i think you will be o.k. It just takes time.

Thanks for your comforting words.... I guess right now, she must be pretty much confused. I must admit that i have become a better person after being with her, and i do not want to change who i have become. I will just have to continue life, and be better than how i am now. So that should she decide to come back to me, I will be able to provide for her, and also give her more sense of security. I do not know if we will end up together. But i do know for sure is the period we were together, we were really serious about each other. The feelings and moments we shared is something that not every couple might have gone through. I love her, and i will give her the space that she requires right now. as much as i wish to help her, I know that she does not want me to interfere with her life right now. Perhaps life is as such.... If its meant to be, we will still be together.... I hope that we do still end up together once more....

By the way, if you are not able to accept yourself as gay, then do you go out with your partner holding hands? Cos all these while, we seldom appear as a pair when we are in the public.... As we are both not willing to disclose our relationship, and the fact that we are lesbians.... Also, care to tell me more about your story? If its too painful or confidential, then its ok. I respect your privacy. =)

I'm no longer with that person anymore....but that's a whole other story, and to answer your question about PDA....no, i would always pull away from her whenever we went out in public, even when we were in gay surroundings, i never showed any affections whatsoever. And it sounds like that's what your ex is dealing with now.....and i'm still trying to overcome that feeling of shame for being who i am. I'm also pretty sure that whenever i find the person i'm meant to be with i wont have a problem getting over my little phobia of everyone knowing i'm gay.....but that's something i have to find the answer to.

[quote="KuriosGirl"]My sympathy is with you young lady. I am sure your at the point where there is absolutely nothing no one can say that you have yet to think of yourself. Im also sure that as dumb as it sounds your even more obsessed with winning her back then you were to just be with her a year ago.

Hopefully you learn to love yourself regardless of how much you love her and try to move on. If she comes back into your life when she realizes shes loosing you your probably going to have to ask yourself some even harder questions.

You know the truth. Hopefully you have friends to talk to that will listen. Love can be insanely painful and unfortunatly there is no medicine you can take.xxkg

your response is great...Love is insanely painful and there is no medicine. That is such a deep way to put it,,,it hits home..How does one deal with that pain..I really don't have mant friends to talk to..my GF whom I broke up with was my best friend..I feel so alone..perhaps someone should tell me this is natural.. and it will pass...but dam, I want the pain to stop instantly.What do I do with my days..there are soooooo long without her ? my motivation for anything sucks..I try keeping busy but something reminds me...help this sorry soul

jux4play
Sigh.... this whole episode in my life is the most painful event. But yet, I missed those times i had with her so much. I so much wish she can accept herself for who she is. instead of pushing me away. But yet, i guess in the eyes of others, and peers, it is much easier to be in a normal relationship compared to a homosexual relationship. I do not know what will happen in the future. But guess, i will continue to find happiness from within for now. Have been reading so much self-help books. Trying to get some enlightenment from the books. It seems and sounds so easy when its all in words. But actions are not so easy. Likewise, to say move on and let go are nothing more than words. It takes heaps of energy to get that in place. Moreover, we are humans. Not some electric circuit board. That can turn our flow of emotions off instantaneously.

The weeks without seems like ages, and i am beginning to dread holidays and weekends.... I know that going out will onyl result in me spending like nobody's business, and end of the day, i still feel the pain. I wonder how is she.... I miss her terribly. But yet, she refuses to meet me for a simple tea/dinner. Even though it has almost been 3 months alr. To me, she seems so determined to suppress her feelings, and she has been really cold towards me. Someone that is the closest to me, has suddenly become the more foreign friend that i have ever had.... Ouch! =(

WooHoo!!MY POWER IS BACK ON!.....sorry, just had to get that out, a storm came through here yesterday and knocked the power out around 4:30p.m, and it just came back on about an hour ago.
O.k. back to you.....sorry to say it but there's no pill you can pop to get you through the pain of missing and wanting to be around everything that is her. That's something we all have to go through when dealing with a broken heart....it take some people months and for those of us who love so deeply it might even take a year or two to get that person completely out of our system. There are several stages of emotions that you go through on your journey back from that dark,dreary place that you never knew existed until the "love" from that one person that you gave your all to rejects you. That's a hurting feeling...it's like a shock to your ego when you put yourself in that vulnerable place you felt safe enough to let only her in.....but that's apart of life....you got to take the good along with the bad.

Don't worry about those people telling you to just get over it and move on.....how do you think they could give you such a cold response to how you feel. A lot of them have probably been in the same place that you're in now.....for most people when they get hurt they vow to never let anyone else get that close to them ever again....and maybe they just don't want you to go through the same thing they went through. I guess they forgot it just doesn't work that way.

Just give it time.

jux4play
Hog long did you go without power? Gosh, I cant imagine myself without power. Will be so bored. Can hardly do anything. We are handicapped without power.....

I simply feel so empty inside. Here I am wanting to take care of her forever, but yet she cant accept it. I feel as if love is knocking on her door, and she is saying "No, not this love." Ouch!!!! I feel so pain. Weekend is finally over.... Weekends are becoming a drag for me. Perhaps after this, I will learn to be more cautious with who comes next. I will not wish to go through this pain once more. And I will definitely protect myself more. I guess its sad. but cos of previous heartaches, one generally become less willing to give their all when they meet the one they love. Cos we will never know if one of these days, that someone will just decide to say Bye.

I do not know how to tell her that I respect her decision for the breakup. But yet, I wish to let her know that if she feels that I am the one, I am willing to try it once more. Cos right now, i know that she will give me a very firm "NO".

Recently, i tried to ask her out many times. But i get rejected. She tells me that she has got plans. But i kinda feel that they are just excuses. Cos she is a homely person, who prefers to stay at home on weekends. Anyway, she was harsh, and told me to move on. she ask me not to mention about me missing her. Also she said that She dun wish to be harsh with her words, and that I should get what she mean without her saying it directly to my face. Ouch! this hurts. But i feel that this only tells me that she is not over me yet. Or am I wrong?

I do not know what are the steps that I must do to have her back. But i guess time is what she needs, and I hope that time does not increase the distance between us, but bring us closer instead. All I can hope for is a miracle.....

The storm knocked the power out to thousands of homes for about 16-17hrs, some are still without power....but the electric company is still working hard to get the power restored.

"Lenoid" what you should focus all of your energy on now is taking care of you......cause if she wanted you to take care of her you two would still be together. I think the reason she tells you......you should get the point without her having to be mean to you is, she's just trying not to make you feel any worst than you already are......not because she still have hidden feelings for you, but she's just trying to treat you like she would any other person she see's in pain...period.

After going through a breakup i know you want to lock your heart away and throw away the key, it's only natural that you want to protect youself from ever feeling that pain again. I can't tell you that it'll never happen again and that the next person you meet will not break your heart....what i can tell you is....you can't make other people pay for your ex'es mistakes. I'm not telling you to not have some kind of reserve about yourself in the future...i'm just saying, don't be so quick to throw away that key....just put it in a safe place nearby.

When i said that there are several steps that you go through doing a breakup....i wasn't talking about ways of getting the person back, but the phases you go through when getting "over" that person. You can only start healing when you begin to take the first step....and that's "accepting that it's over" between the two of you....she don't want you any more, i hate to sound so cold, but when going through a breakup there's no sugar coating the situation.....you have to start believing her when she tells you "it's over", and until you actually listen to those words....instead of just hearing them you can start your journey back to the world that's waiting on you.

jux4play
I know fully well what are the actions that I must do. But yet, performing the letting go is so difficult. Right now, I wish to see her so much, and talk to her like last time. But all these are not even possible now. Sometimes, I wonder how can someone closest to me become the most foreign person i have known. It hurts terribly. I know that I have to control how i feel, and let go. But my mind cant help but have images of her flashing through every now and then. I am deeply in love with her. Last night I was watching "Marley and me". I so much wished that she will want to try to work things out with me instead of breaking up. I know that I need to understand that she might feel that this relationship is not worth working on. and therefore breaking up was the best option. I duno. I can still cry when I am at work. Feeling so totally helpless.... And hopelessly in love with her.... =(

Awww...sweetie the last thing i'm trying to do is rush you through your feelings right now...and if that's what it seems like, than i am sooooo sorry. I know you can't help feeling the way you do...and your going to feel that way probably for a little while longer.... i was just trying to let you know that you can get through this...cause i know where you're at now it seems like that's the last thing on your mind right now. I went through the very same emotions when i went through my breakup...i also wondered how could a person i thought i knew so well, all of a sudden turn so cold towards me. I told her "i thought i knew you...but you have turned into someone i don't even recognized.....i guess you're not the person i thought you were" and when i told her that i felt a little better about the situation....cause i started asking myself "how could i be with someone who could treat the person that they once claimed to love like crap".

If you can, try to get out and be around some friends and family even if you're not feeling like it....cause lets face it you're never gonna feel like it when they ask you to come over or go out and hang for awhile.....cause all you want to do is stay home in bed or on the sofa curled up in the fetal position crying. So... try to get out, you'll never know maybe you'll feel better for atleast a few hours. I remember making myself hang out with my friends and family when i didn't want to and at the end of the day i would be happy i did, because i would come home with a smile on my face.

Just take it one day at a time, you'll know when you're ready to stop feeling miserable.

jux4play
i did try going out with friends. But well, I did feel better. But i know that i go out for the sake of going out, and I am doing things half-heartedly. Which in fact spoils the mood of others. I have been heading home after work, and working out on the tracks, and pools so often. I do not know how I will pull through this. But i guess i have to, and I must survive this ordeal in my life. I never imagined my life without her. In my future, it was all about her. Now, I have to go through this alone. And i am feeling like i have just lost my soulmate. Someone whom i can confide in over anything, and someone who will brighten up my day. This is bad.... Its terribly painful.... I am who I am, and i guess i do not wish to hide my feelings. Despite my cool character, i guess i am so uncool over this whole thing. So totally not me.... I wonder how can someone change so drastically overnight. Someone who was once so loving and caring has become someone void of feelings over-night. was this the same person i once loved?

Hey,that's always a good thing....atleast you're geeting out, even if you are a party-pooper don't worry, if your friends know what you're going through...they understand. And that part about you feeling uncool, i haven't met a person yet that still keeps their cool demeanor when their heart is breaking, alot of people just know how to hide it better than others, but love knocks everyone on their A$$ every once in awhile.

In alot of relationships, one person may love deeper than the other, and the other person may not feel as comfortable as you do to be so vulnerable in the relationship...i dunno maybe they don't feel that same "soulmate" connection that the other person is feeling and that's why they choose not to show their deepest feelings, and so in the end we all ask ourselves how could they be so cold...maybe, because they never really showed us their whole true self to begin with.
They just didn't have that same "love you forever" feeling that we had, or somewhere during the relationship it changed for them.

I know you're not feeling it now, but you'll make it through this, but you have to give it time....you'll get there.

jux4play
i duno.... All i know right now is i want her back. Last night i had a nightmare. and i woke up, and i msged her my nightmare at 4am. I must be crazy.... But after that nightmare, when i went back to sleep again, I dreamt about us. I dreamt that we patched back. and the feeling was great. but everything simply vanished when i wake up in the morning. How much i wish my dream will come true. I wish so much that she will allow herself to be moved by me. Right now, I am still trying to love her through small little actions. She is never one who will admit that she needs help. She does not need to be so hard on herself. I need her to thaw before she is receptive to watever i am going to tell her. I know the past is something that I cant change. But the future is ours to decide. I guess I just want to make known to her how much she meant to me once more. I duno when is a good time, and if there is such thing as a good time. But i guess pple change. My friend was saying that she used to be against the idea of match-making. But now, she is open to it. I guess people change their point of view with age. For me, life is simple. Its all about finding a partner who is willing to love you, and commit. In fact love is simple. Nothing complex. It is us humans who complicates this thing called "LOVE".

I have felt so much for anyone in my life. and never have anyone touched me like she did. And i kinda feel that we were so right for each other. I cant stop thinking of her.... beginning to feel that loving someone is so tiring.... its like a chasing game. I am chasing after her, and she is running away from me.... and i hope that there will be one day when she will stop, and run towards me....

I don't know whatelse to say because until you accept the reality that has been handed to you....there's nothing more anyone can say to help you get through this. But i will say this...instead of continuing trying to contact her when something happens...why don't you grab a pencil and paper and start to write your feelings down. You're still in the early satges of the breakup, you're somewhat at the end stages of wooing her back and the beginning of the sympathy stage...hoping that if she knew you needed her help badly enough that she'll come back to you. It doesn't matter how many bad dreams you have, it's not going to change the way she feels.
If it's been over 3months since you guys broke-up, why are you still assuming that you know how she feels inside. In almost every one of your posts you have mentioned that you know that she still have feelings for you or she is having just as hard of a time trying to get over you too. If she's not responding to any of your forms of communications how do you know what she's feeling. Her feelings for you may only be that of her feeling sorry for how she's hurting you....that's all. I promise you, if you continue to pursue someone who doesn't want to be pursued.....you're only going to make her build up feelings of hatred for you....and you're chances of even thinking of getting her back in the future will be gone.

I know that you can't stop thinking about her and the only thing you want more than anything is her....i know cause that's exactly how i felt, but the only difference is i didn't have anyone to talk to about what i was going through or how i was feeling. It would have made a world of difference if someone would've just listen to what i had to say.

So the only other thing i can say is i'm here for you when you decide to take that next step.

jux4play
i feel so hopeless and helpless. I know that only i am capable of pulling myself out of this mess. Wat pple can advise is only that much. And the rest lies entirely on me. How should i get over her? this breakup has given me strength to work out on the tracks and pool more than ever in my life. Its only through these that I can get my mind off her...

Right now, i am trying not to contact her. But sometimes she does msg me asking me about our joint savings account together. we still have some things that are joint. These has yet to be terminated. Other than that, she refrains from msging me. Perhaps u are right. she is just feeling sorry for how she has hurt me. But when i met her the other time, and when i left, i saw her looking at me when i left. I happen to see cos i was turning to check the traffic before i cross the road. And i guess she has been losing sleep like me. Cos i can see from the heavy eye bags. She is not someone who will openly admit her feelings. Cos she has been so independent all her life. To her, she always feel that she can survive anything. Pretty much strong character. Perhaps this is what makes her so attractive to me.

How i wish that I can be heartless at times. But i have a kind heart. and i cant stop loving her from where i am now. loving her from a distance.....